tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-206664232024-03-13T17:15:35.778-07:00Valley Jew [.] comWhat are you to do?Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.comBlogger750125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-64362586727561188832008-10-01T20:46:00.001-07:002008-10-01T20:46:47.471-07:00The "I hate Internet Memes" MemeA grudging tribute to the greatest "Fail" of all time.<br/><br/><a href='http://tencartrain.com/?p=908'>read more</a> | <a href='http://digg.com/arts_culture/The_I_hate_Internet_Memes_Meme'>digg story</a>Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-61459506437857422602008-10-01T19:18:00.001-07:002008-10-01T19:18:18.137-07:00The "I hate Internet Memes" MemeA grudging tribute to the greatest "Fail" of all time.<br/><br/><a href='http://tencartrain.com/?p=908'>read more</a> | <a href='http://digg.com/arts_culture/The_I_hate_Internet_Memes_Meme'>digg story</a>Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-11748379013037903482008-09-25T17:20:00.001-07:002008-09-25T17:20:17.877-07:00In high school, I was sexually desperate.Why do we do what we do when it comes to genitals?<br/><br/><a href='http://www.thisisby.us/index.php/content/cinema_toast_nuts____roids_lies_and_the_mitchell_report____for_some_reason_it_never_feels_right'>read more</a> | <a href='http://digg.com/odd_stuff/In_high_school_I_was_sexually_desperate'>digg story</a>Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-8862113082335656832008-09-18T12:36:00.001-07:002008-09-18T12:36:28.036-07:00Do Conservatives Believe in Anything-- Except Their Right to Be In Charge?Conservatives care more than you do about being in charge. That's why they win.<br/><br/><a href='http://www.thisisby.us/index.php/content/they__re_better_at_this_than_we_are'>read more</a> | <a href='http://digg.com/political_opinion/Do_Conservatives_Believe_in_Anything_Except_Being_In_Charge'>digg story</a>Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-62854108798931219982008-09-11T11:15:00.001-07:002008-09-11T11:15:44.485-07:00Why We Are Stupid For Thinking Conservatives Are StupidJohn McCain pulls ten points ahead in the polls, and you don’t get it.<br/><br/><a href='http://tencartrain.com/?p=872'>read more</a> | <a href='http://digg.com/2008_us_elections/Why_We_Are_Stupid_For_Thinking_Conservatives_Are_Stupid'>digg story</a>Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-52512917396930221842008-08-13T14:07:00.001-07:002008-08-13T14:07:09.876-07:00How to Promote Yourself on the InternetIf you're a net addict and your psychotropic drugs have killed your desire to watch porn most of the time, you may even be able to spend the time it takes to get dozens of Internet web hits.<br/><br/><a href='http://www.thisisby.us/index.php/content/how_to_promote_yourself_on_the_internet'>read more</a> | <a href='http://digg.com/educational/How_to_Promote_Yourself_on_the_Internet'>digg story</a>Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-8108859750422742842008-08-10T12:43:00.001-07:002008-08-10T12:43:51.623-07:00Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday is a day I likeI like for many reasonsPerhaps I like it very muchbecause of all the CraisinsI love Craisins I love Craisins<br/><br/><a href='http://weapon-shaped.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=16742'>read more</a> | <a href='http://digg.com/comedy/Sunday_Sunday_Sunday_Sunday_Sunday_Sunday_Sunday'>digg story</a>Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-41872963288700114842008-08-05T11:46:00.001-07:002008-08-05T11:46:35.827-07:00A New Introduction to the Next Edition of The Holy Bible“Of course, I meant it all when I inspired it,” God said. “But is only perfect in its moment. You all don’t need the pages about the Tabernacle in Exodus." He said that if we followed all the rules of Leviticus every Red Lobster would have to be shut down and no one would ever be allowed to look at a menstruating woman even if she’d been airbrushed<br/><br/><a href='http://tencartrain.com/?p=804'>read more</a> | <a href='http://digg.com/odd_stuff/A_New_Introduction_to_the_Next_Edition_of_The_Holy_Bible'>digg story</a>Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-27526380976806254652008-08-01T15:22:00.001-07:002008-08-01T15:22:58.229-07:00This is My Cute Little Dog. He's a Beagle.He's got something on his mind.<br/><br/><a href='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMfgDuelRj4'>read more</a> | <a href='http://digg.com/pets_animals/This_is_My_Cute_Little_Dog_He_s_a_Beagle'>digg story</a>Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-3855770753386459562008-07-28T15:20:00.001-07:002008-07-28T15:20:13.999-07:0026 Things that Will Hopefully Shock the People of the FuturePeople weren’t allowed to smoke pot. People weren’t allowed to say “shit” on TV. We still built Skynet though we were well aware the computers really wanted to kill us. We still fought wars about what we thought God told some people thousands of years ago. Karl Rove was not in jail.<br/><br/><a href='http://tencartrain.com/?p=790'>read more</a> | <a href='http://digg.com/political_opinion/26_Things_that_Will_Hopefully_Shock_the_People_of_the_Future'>digg story</a>Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-12312945655576297782008-07-21T16:03:00.001-07:002008-07-21T16:03:57.495-07:00How to Prepare for War with IranIran only needs to sink one oil tanker in the Strait of Hormuz and within a week skyrocketing insurance rates on shipping will paralyze trade across the globe. But who cares, right?<br/><br/><a href='http://tencartrain.com/?p=776'>read more</a> | <a href='http://digg.com/political_opinion/How_to_Prepare_for_War_with_Iran'>digg story</a>Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-30593494990463316832008-07-18T17:19:00.001-07:002008-07-18T17:19:30.295-07:00Why Divorce Must Be IllegalWith California legalizing marriage between adults of the same gender, we must defend marriage. And we have to do it now before the stubborn nucleus and heart of this society, marriage, is allowed to waste away like the fatty parts of a Thanksgiving turkey. If we don’t do this, we might as well invite the suicide bombers over for lunch and negotiations.<br/><br/><a href='http://tencartrain.com/?p=762'>read more</a> | <a href='http://digg.com/political_opinion/Why_Divorce_Must_Be_Illegal'>digg story</a>Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-16314280365990541272008-07-13T14:54:00.000-07:002008-07-13T14:56:18.370-07:00I get very upset when......people say that humans contracted AIDS from fucking a monkey. There's a very good chance that there was a man and a monkey that once fell very much in love.Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-89118481666483327972008-07-09T16:49:00.000-07:002008-07-09T16:50:31.753-07:00Will America Ever Become Enlightened Enough to Elect a Really, Really Old Person President?I hope not.Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-53808683922946636472008-07-07T12:11:00.001-07:002008-07-07T12:11:54.550-07:00The Pre-9/11 MentalityThe Post-9/11 Mentality saved us from the Taliban. It kept Saddam Hussein from marching into Times Square with a nuclear warhead filled with Nigerian Uranium strapped on his back. Most importantly, the Post-9/11 Mentality is what kept the evil sonofabitch liberals from raising the dividend tax on those heroes earning over $250,000 a year.<br/><br/><a href='http://tencartrain.com/?p=750'>read more</a> | <a href='http://digg.com/political_opinion/The_Pre_9_11_Mentality'>digg story</a>Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-87180959092920392182008-07-06T14:56:00.000-07:002008-07-06T14:57:47.021-07:00I May Be a PervertI think I may have a cumming fetish. I really love to cum. It's like I can't get off unless I do.Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-4299342486327594422008-07-04T15:22:00.000-07:002008-07-04T15:27:49.693-07:00People From the San Fernando Valley: Tom Waits<img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3248/2472878500_096eb15b19.jpg?v=0" /><br />Believe it. To the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:People_from_the_San_Fernando_Valley">Wikipedia</a>, Tom Waits is as Valley as Jerry Mathers.<br /><br />Here's <a href="http://arts.guardian.co.uk/features/story/0,,1442784,00.html">Tom Waits favorite 20 albums</a>.<br /><br />Photo by: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/hryckowian/">Hryckowian</a>.Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-44263307205170355882008-06-30T14:23:00.001-07:002008-06-30T14:23:58.677-07:00Who's Going to Kill Me?Now I know the odds are that no one is going to kill me. The odds are much better that I’ll die in an accident or kill myself either by suicide or slowly by smoking, eating or breathing too much. But forget the odds. For some reason, worries tend toward murder and how to avoid it.<br/><br/><a href='http://tencartrain.com/?p=741'>read more</a> | <a href='http://digg.com/odd_stuff/Who_s_Going_to_Kill_Me'>digg story</a>Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-3374672523448999682008-06-30T14:13:00.000-07:002008-06-30T14:14:05.883-07:00My New Improv Comedy Class<span style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica;"><span style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica;font-size:85%;color:midnightblue;"><span class="spnMessageText" id="msg"> Hey, kids!<br /><br />I'm thinking of starting a school for people who want to act funny or be funny when they're acting ;). <br /><br />The class is called:<br /><br />Comedy is So Easy!<br /><br />We'll only meet once for ten minutes. I'll be teaching the first two rules of comedy, which are all I have so far.<br /><br />1. Using anything that's not deodorant as deodorant is funny.<br />2. Acting like you're in slow motion is funny.<br /><br />If you sign up now, I'll include an extra minute or so on the double, triple and, for advanced comedians, the quadruple take.<br /><br />It's only $625.<br /><br />Please pass this link on to your friends if they'd like to be funny. And have a funny day, homo. (I think I just came up with rule 3!)</span></span></span>Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-38151683378232480902008-06-24T15:34:00.000-07:002008-06-24T17:34:21.824-07:00The Daily Show Isn't That Funny Anymore<embed flashvars="videoId=174474" src="http://www.thedailyshow.com/sitewide/video_player/view/default/swf.jhtml" quality="high" bgcolor="#cccccc" name="comedy_central_player" allowscriptaccess="always" allownetworking="external" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" align="middle" height="316" width="332"></embed><br />During the writer's strike, I stopped watching both The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. Recently, I started watching both again. <br /><br />I was glad to see that Colbert was still at the top of his game. His charm giving center and focus to his charmingly assholish character.<br /><br />However, the Daily Show has lost most of its steam. I don't think that Stewart or his team realize that the two things that made the show are now lacking. Those two things are: 1. Fantastic correspondents, and 2. A consistent world view.<br /><br />The great correspondents have mostly moved on, except Samantha Bee maybe. We're getting the Ellen Cleghornes or the Seth Meyers replacing Tina Fey version of correspondents, with exceptions including Bee, a rare Dimitri Martin or PC guy appearance.<br /><br />And the point of view of the show has dried up. That point of view was generally, Look at this bullshit, look what it's hiding. Stewart's venom at the artifice of politics is his best stuff (more and more I see his humor as a Robin Williams-light like pastiche of all the comedy that has come before him). Nowadays, he seems as stifled by the news media's fetish for chewing on whatever cud you get served up. Stewart is silent on impeachment and fair-to-middlin' on the various investigations which are now unveiling the armor in this administration that he helped crack. But even worse, he hasn't been very funny doing it. The bits are too sketchy and the punchlines too tepid.<br /><br />This isn't to say that he has to make fun of Bush. It just means that when he's making fun of the left he has to be funnier than Rush Limbaugh. I know Conservative framers love to make it seem like <a href="http://news.aol.com/political-machine/2008/06/24/youre-allowed-to-laugh-at-him/">we can't handle Obama being criticized</a>. It's worse than that actually. I can't stand to be embarrassed by gags like the "Hummer Copter," which if Don Imus did would have him off the air again.<br /><br />So last night, Stewart tells us it's OK to laugh at Obama. He told a couple of flat jokes about the pseudo Presidential seal Obama's team has been putting on the Senator's podium. He spent two minutes explaining the symbols without one decent joke. When the audience seemed pained. Stewart explained that we are allowed to laugh at Obama.<br /><br />Yeah, it's OK to laugh at Obama. Stewart has spoken. But what he really means is, Please laugh at me. Unfortunately Stewart's character hasn't been the charmingly assholish one. <br /><br />But the good news is that if the Daily Show is on, I can put the TV on mute and wait a little bit for Colbert to be an asshole on purpose.Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-36818939970056410342008-06-24T13:02:00.000-07:002008-06-24T13:03:21.584-07:00Shaq Disses Kobe Rapstyle<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/eLJ65x0mbv0&hl=en"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/eLJ65x0mbv0&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-85322979402022271272008-06-24T11:36:00.001-07:002008-06-24T11:36:51.602-07:00The Never Afraid Society meeting had been canceled twice in row when they met for the last time. Before they could move on from old business to new business, Philip, the Historian of the club, stopped the meeting to report that he smelled gas. <br /><br />Leila, the Sergeant-at-Arms, insisted that what Philip smelled was actually the smell of heart disease, which is the nation’s greatest killer. All of their hearts were rotting, from cholesterol or use or heartbreak, and Leila was sure that was the stench that was seeping into their nostrils. <br /><br />Derrick, the President, was uncomfortable around conflict; even Venn diagrams and sentences containing semicolons put him ill at ease. He’d seen the disagreements between Philip and Leila over minute details, such as the minutes, erupt into knockdown, drag-out snippy stare fests. And the thought of a moment in distress spurred his brain, which raised his gavel and adjourned the meeting. <br /><br />Philip shouted, “What about my principled rejection of arbitrary decisions by those in authority?”<br /><br />“I’m sorry,” Derrick said. “You’ll just have to suck on your principled rejections today.”<br /><br />“Here, here,” Leila said, seconding the emotion. She then begged all nine members to wear both sweaters and turtlenecks to the next meeting to contain the stench of their decaying hearts.Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-59958718926883825622008-06-22T08:43:00.002-07:002008-06-22T08:44:44.484-07:00The boy with a dorsal fin was rarely invited to parties, and never to pool parties. He wasn’t an outcast the way the girl with the blow hole on her forehead had become because besides his dorsal fin was so often out of view, contained by a hood or a cape or other flattering accessories. He didn’t have sonar, as many supposed he did. His skin was flax-colored, crusty where his bones hinged. He would often leave flakes of himself, which was helpful when he was wondering in the forest or exploring new continents, as he did later in his life. In his teens, he wanted his dorsal fin removed. He called a family meeting. It turned, the way his family meetings often did, into a human triangle with his mother on top of him and his brothers and sister shouting orders, reminding them all of the proper manner in which to brush their teeth. “Hit the gums!” she’d yell, again and again. “Give them hell.” The boy with the fin supported the weight of his heaviest and clumsiest brother at the bottom of the human triangle. His heaviest and clumsiest brother grappled with the dorsal fin, loosing his balance and regaining it over and over. But he never fell and the triangle remained until their mother was done explaining how brushing one’s teeth should never be done in circles, but in squares or rectangles or parallelograms, perhaps triangles. And that’s when he realized that he’d keep his fin forever, even if meant he’d be buried face down.Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-24088981064109243252008-06-21T15:33:00.001-07:002008-06-21T15:33:01.286-07:00Meanest Man Contest---MP3 Internet DownloadsAs you get older you realize that being mean isn't a choice; it's an inevitability in this shitty, shitty world.<br/><br/><a href='http://webserver2.rcrdlbl.com/2008/06/20/download_meanest_man_contest_let_s_go_feat_subtitle_anfd_eso_tre_'>read more</a> | <a href='http://digg.com/music/Meanest_Man_Contest_MP3_Internet_Downloads'>digg story</a>Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20666423.post-27552317644018676242008-06-21T10:17:00.001-07:002008-06-21T10:17:58.455-07:00The Dublin Valley YMCA was famous for its indoor pool. J. Scott Jefferson, the town’s only luminary, had built the cavernous building into the side of a rolling hill near the beach at the turn of the 20th century as a greenhouse for his collection of non-native vines and dandelions. A grid of windows occupied the north side of the building. Black frames containing white glare at most hours of the day. In late afternoon, the field of brush, green and soft shades of brown most times of the year, could be seen through the panes. J. Scott had told his friends, when he had them in the later more philanthropic period of his life, that he had framed more than a dozen natural Van Goghs, if Van Gogh had lived in California and never discovered absinthe. During the summer, at all hours of the day, the children of Dublin Valley filled the pool with the little, soft bodies, flailing arms, sloppy splashing and, let’s be honest, sweat and pee. As the sun would set, the building became dark in minutes. The windows lost any color any sense of transparency at all if a lifeguard or another staff member did not turn on the long rows of fluorescent lights that had been installed above. At night the wall of windows was perfectly and absolutely black, just the way J. Scott and his vines and dandelions liked it.Fake Namehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00481789320628119521noreply@blogger.com0