Ask a Mutherfucking Jew

As the anti-social King of Social Networking the ladies often ask me where they should look for love on the Internet.

Why I remember just the other day…

Hey Jew,
My very conservative friend needs a date. Where on the Internet could she look? You know these things, perv.
Hearts,
Ganja McRastafarian

Dear G—

The most conservative dating site on the web is also the most boringest. I tried eharmony about three times before I filled out their application to completion. My theory is that it’s like Scientology in that they are a) trying to bore you into submission or b) get enough information on you that they can “blackmail” you. I put that in quotes because no one follows through on that threat unless they are insane or madly in lust with you. But it’s still all creepy.

Here’s my advice to your friend:

Sign up on ANY dating site from MySpace to Match to AdultFriendFinder and be honest. If that means saying, “I’m all conservative and blah, blah, blah, blah. No David Hinkley types,” etc. etc., do it. But be honest in a main section of the profile.

THEN, make sure your pictures match your approach. Meaning: Don’t just put up any picture of you looking hot. Put up some that show you in context, like if you’re a teacher show you in the classroom.

You will get WAY less responses this way, but the level of decorum and intelligence MAY go up.

Also, if she is someone who thinks she’s conservative but really just likes the more slimy and charming jerky guys, send her to Jdate.

Have questions for this Mutherfucking Jew? Email valleyjew at gmail.com.