Monday, June 25, 2007

The Truth Behind LOL

Warning: This post contains a life spoiler.

Most people credit my cousin Doug for inventing the phrase LOL.

It was 1987. He had just had four wisdom teeth removed. His idiot friends didn't care and still insisted on giving him a "hot foot" as he watched the Angles play the Red Sox in the AL Championship in the bleachers of the Big A. The "hot foot" burned for entirely too long because of the powerful pain medication Doug was on. His friends watched in shocked disbelief as the flame soon threatened Doug's sock. Doug only saved his own foot from harm by dumping his entire soda and then his nachos on his foot.

But Doug still had his sense of humor. He could barely talk, so he was silent until his pals dropped him off that night. As he got out of the car, he said, "L. O. L. Muthefugahers."

His friends laughed about that until early 1989.

And forevermore LOL became the code, in their little group, for something so funny that had to be laughed at. And soon that code spread all the way to the Philippines where some little girl is text messaging her friend LOL right now.

How did it spread?

Well, my cousins' friends were very influential people. There was Ray, one of the first chat room perverts. Ted, who went on to work for Cisco and invented the ":;" thing people love. And Guy who immediately began using LOL on bulletin boards where he would go to discuss chess, computers and other gay things.

So. What does it really stand for?

Like most of you, for most of my life I assumed that when Doug said, "L. O. L..." that day he meant "Laugh Out Loud."

But no!

Just the other day I was playing hackysack with Doug. I shanked the sack forcing him to dive for it. And as he did, he passed some gas.

Instantly, I said, "FOL."

He's like, "What does that mean, dog?" as he got up, wiping the dirt and lawn off himself

"You know," I said.

"Fuck you, dog. I have no idea about what you speak of."

It was like watching Shawn Fanning buying a CD. I was fucking confused, so I said, "Fart out loud!"

"That's not how it goes, diggity bro," he said.

"Yes, it is!" I said.

"Nah, dog. It's Laughing Outrageously Loud. I was accusing those fool of laughing outrageously and shit. Unnecessarily. I used that shit ironically, y'all."

So, that's the truth. When you say LOL, be well aware that you are really accusing someone else of laughing outrageously loud.

So, please be realize how outrageous it is to say LOL. OK? LOL.

Don't believe me? Several of Doug's pals are still in Usenet groups. You can find them.

Just pretend you're a girl and you love guys from Anaheim.