Underreported Uses of Teddy Bears

1. Seat-filling at tea parties
2. Inanimate voyeurism
3. Thinking bad thoughts about mommy
4. Proving Focault wrong
5. Half-assed high fives

The Angels of Escalation

Are waiting on a Holy War
that's a civil war
that's an oil war
a war to keep women slaves

a war to keep Jews hated
a war to end the world next Sunday

a war that pays you not to support
Roe v. Wade

a war against women who want to get you health care
a war for kings who happen to have oil
a war against ideas

a war against markets that won't let you
depress their current scheme

A war against Chavez
A war against hearts and minds
A war that costs Billions (or hundreds of thousands)

A war that is obviously being started with Iran
A war that we don't want
A war we can't end

The Result of an Attack on Iran

In his new column Thomas P.M. Barnett debates the wisdom of the Bush Administration's threats on Iran. While positing that the threats have some strategic value, he points out that the three results of an attack on Iran would be to:

1) strengthen the regime domestically;
2) encourage the mullahs to ramp up their proxies' violence in Iraq and elsewhere and
3) confirm the worldview that having nukes is crucial to scaring off America's military interventions.

Sounds like just this Administration's favorite kind of ironic result. The kind that strengthens the military-industrial complex and does nothing for our national security.

I Think It was Arthur Fonzarelli Who Said

Be the cool you wish to see in the world.

When I Say I Want a Friend with Benefits

I mean that I want to date a girl who will give me health insurance.

That and a certain number of sick days, which I considered scheduled times when we involve the sweet brown eye.

A Good Job in the Valley

This is a rarity so I have to point it out. A job that meets all my definitions of a cool job.

1. OFFSITE
2. Creative
3. Involves writing
4. Interesting content focus
5. Pays decently
6. Involves various forms of media

And the best part is that it's in the Valley!

Creative Circle: Copywriter (Bike Cycling/Motorcycling Related) (financial district)

Reply to: sf3@creativecircle.com
Date: 2007-01-27, 4:06PM PST


OFFSITE!

MUST HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH THE CYCLING INDUSTRY AND ENJOY CYCLING.

Great freelance opportunity with a fast paced, growing ad agency in the valley (LA) for a Copywriter.

You MUST have experience working with campaigns involving cycling, mountain biking, racing and/or motorcycling. Majority of the work will be commercials and informercials, but there are some print and radio work as well. Big conceptual thinker needed.

Please include the clients that you have worked with.

There Are Some Decent Iranians, Of Course: Iranian Citizens Speak Out Against Holocaust Denying

We the undersigned Iranians...Strongly condemn the Holocaust Conference sponsored by the government of the Islamic Republic of Iran in Tehran on December 11–12, 2006, and its attempt to falsify history.

read more | digg story

Can't the Moral State of the World be Summed Up in One Fact?

We have over 125,000 troops in Iraq, but not 1 in Darfur.

The End of the World as the Jews Know It

A post from Neatorama sums of the various views on the endtimes. Here's why the Jews don't believe in heaven.

Things Get Bad: The end of days, or acharit hayamim, will be marked by conflict and tumult. When? Well, the Talmud states that the world will only last 6,000 years - so many Orthodox Jews believe the world as we’ve always known it will end in 2240 CE.

And Then: All of Israel’s enemies will be defeated, the twice-destroyed Temple will be rebuilt, the dead will be resurrected, and the Jewish Messiah will become King of Israel.

Until: God intervenes in the Battle of Armageddon, saving the Jews, evil leaves the world, and earth becomes perfect. It’s like Belinda Carlisle song: "They say in heaven love comes first/We’ll make heaven a place on earth."

Is There Rehab for Being a Huge Dick?

Then Isaiah Washington just checked into the same clinic that Mel Gibson and Michael Richards should have attended.

Offer Bush Early Retirement or The Fast-Track to a Female President

When George W. Bush was first "elected" President, that take on him was that he didn't want the job and wished he could go home. Unfortunately, the real Bush wasn't cartoonish enough to quit when the comedy got old.

Now that his poll numbers are at Nixon-like levels, doesn't he have to quit? Let's just offer him early retirement. If he and Cheney retire in succession, doesn't Pelosi automatically become President.

But we all know Cheney isn't going anywhere. He's dug in a pair of tighty whitey's around his wrinkly, soft waist.

Threesome With Two Asians

Described as a Nguyen/Nguyen situation

Reasons to Divorce Paul Cartney

1. His womanly face
2. You hate billionaires
3. Won't let you wear headscarf
4. You want to move to LA to pursue your acting career
5. Even George put out better solo albums than him in the 80s
6. He tried to bronze your fake leg
7. He's taken to faxing jokes to the Leno show
8. Smells like a rental car
9. Gets skid marks on his bandannas

Reasons To Go Back to College

1. To study how black people rap
2. To perform Shakespeare
3. Meet new people who aren't all worn out by life
4. Be around hormonal boys
5. To learn your wife's native language
6. To eventually earn vacation money
7. To play pranks on jocks
8. To eat in the dorms
9. To research gay people before you come out
10. To escape an abusive lawyer

People You Shouldn't Be Friends With

1. Drug Dealers (except your own)
2. Literary Snobs
3. Drunk Fools
4. Producers
5. People Who Liked Clerks I AND II
6. People you have a crush on
7. People who don't feast
8. Your Friends' Enemies
9. Anyone who doesn't have enemies
10. People who hate whole continents
11. Extras in TV Movies
12. Non-Tender Hooligans
13. People with mean pets
14. Lawyers who don't play in bands
15. Bob Crane (as depicted in that movie about him)

Top Digg of January 14, 2007: Steve Jobs unveils the iPhone on SNL

3474 Diggs at 7:44 PM.

The content:
A video showing Fred Armisen as Steve Jobs on SNL's "Weekend Update" last night. A free commercial that slightly prods Jobs for his effusiveness and the iPhone for an alleged limited-battery life is justified by intense public interest.

The buzz:
Apple's "leapfrog" product reaches the ultimate of hype: an SNL sketch.

My perspective:
Did anyone see Frank Caliendo as Bill Gates talking about the Zune on MadTV?


read more | digg story

Google/Blogger Integration May Screw Up Your Digg Account

Normally, I would have immediately blogged my new Digg "Jewy Zach Braff Can't Explain How Cool He Is" straight from Digg.

Not that anyone cares, but it made blogging fun for me.

Basically it was the way for me to collect my rolling commentary on interesting or dumb stories. And along with that I prayed that someone may start commenting on the posts the way a Catholic prays that masturbation be ruled not a sin. It's just not going to happen.

And I'm sure the nearly half-half dozen people who visit Jamie Flam Jr.'s ValleyJew.com on a daily basis appreciated that in some small way.

But this Google/Blogger integration is getting me all kinds of crazy errors even after I've checked every variable ten times

I've been thinking that I should try out Moveable Type.

Now I may have to. Either that or let three decent Jewy-Americans/Jewy-American Sympathizers down on a daily basis?

I don't think so.

Top Digg of January 12, 2007: Microsoft Takes Email Design Back Five Years

3268 Diggs at 9:31 PM.

The content:
Blogger David Greiner blasts Microsoft's Outlook 2007 for taking email back five years. In a systematic and detailed critique, Greiner explains the stupidity and flaccid logic of using the MS Word rendering engine instead of the Explorer engine like all versions of Outlook since 2000.

The buzz:
Unrelenting Microsoft envy/hate ready to explode at any time with ample ammunition. And the MS seems to have lit their own wick here.

My perspective:
This shows that the readers of Digg are way more tech-savvy, or tech-interested than the average web user by an exponent of...say...fifty?


read more | digg story

Top Digg of January 11, 2007: If you do not upload the images again I might have to contact my lawyer!

7041 Diggs at 9:15 PM.

The content:
A note to an owner of a website telling him that he better upload the images he'd been using on his site for "advertising," or he may have to contact his lawyer.

The buzz:
People who live on the Internet hate people who are on the Internet and don't get what's going on.

My perspective:
Points to the compulsive ambiguousness about property that the Internet creates. Also, serves to remind us that everyone from high school-- from the jock to the nerd to the prom queen to the burnout and even the stoner--is now on the Internet.

read more | digg story

Insurgents Claim to Have Attacked US Troops with Chemical Weapons

The Salahaldin Al-Ayoubi Brigades announced via Islamist websites that today, January 10, 2007, it had fired four missiles loaded with chemicals at a U.S. base near Samara, Iraq. To support their claim, they posted a video showing the weapons' construction.

read more | digg story

Are Any of Your Friends So Rad That It Freaks You Out That You Know Them?

I have like ten friends like that.

Today, one of those pals Quarterbar posted a new remix of a Fat Joe song. It crosses genres to grab you in the balls and pull you out on to the dancefloor of life.

Check out Quarterbar's MySpace and Homepage.

Over the holidays, I was so moved by Quarterbar's remix of The Supremes "Where Did Our Love Go?" that I made a video to express the depths it moved me to.

The True Damage of Two George W. Bush Administrations

On Charlie Rose this week, James D. Watson, one of the four discovers of the structure of the DNA molecule, explained that Cancer research is being retarded by a lack of vision from the current administration.

Basically, thanks to the Human Genome Project, we now have the resources to match each patient with the precise medicine that matches their individual Cancer. What's holding this innovation up?

"We have the equipment, the buildings, the people. There's just been a complete lack of leadership in Washington for the last five years," Watson complained.

Great Smashing Pumpkins Retrospective

Re-experience the most prolific, intense and, to some, infuriating rock band of the 90s. Billy Corgan's genius may be clouded now by his forays into talking, poetry, blogging and other ill-suited forms. But from psychedelic-grunge of Gish to the prog-techno of Adore, he led an unparalleled artistic charge that redefined the limits of rock music.

read more | digg story

Net Goes Crazy for Fake iPhones

The iPhone is so hot that you could probably sell Paris Hilton one of the three free paper versions that different blogs posted up today.

read more | digg story

Top Digg of January 10, 2007: 50 Real Photos of the Apple iPhone Up Close - NOT THE KEYNOTE PHOTOS!

At 6:36 PM today this gushing post had 3227 diggs.

The content:
Pictures advertising the new Apple iPhone, which debuted earlier in the day during Steve Job's MacWorld Keynote.

The buzz:
iPhone anything is crazy today, basically emmulating a phenomenon that the first iPod had. Everyone is acting like this technology just didn't exist yet. The desire for this phone is so strong that the bloggysphere is sublimating by making paper replicants that you can print out for free (at work).

Three sites put out their own version of the paper iPhone.
1. Sneakmove (My Favorite)
2. Gizmodo
3. ipod-phone.blogspot.com

The thought being, I guess: impress your mom or cubiclemates with how ahead of the curve you are.

My perspective:
Important way to document the day that raised expectations on cell phones forever.


read more | digg story

Why Does an Orgasm Feel So Damned Good? We're Getting There

Three experts in the field of sex research discuss what we're learning about the eternal mystery of the Big O.

read more | digg story

The Endless Iraq War is Hurting the Constitution

Former Senator Gary Hart worries that Bush's surge harms the foundation of our government, the constitution. He says that the President's false premise of "Unitary Theory" is being used to, "ignore constitutional checks and balances, disregard the bill of rights, suspend accountability, and concentrate dictatorial power in his own hands."

read more | digg story

Richard Nixon: America's Greatest Liberal

Al Gore just called him a great environmental innovator; he's the only President ever to party with a drugged-out Elvis; and apparently pardoning him was the greatest move Gerald Ford ever made. Ladies and Gentlemen, from Yorba Linda, California, our most liberal President ever: DICK NIXON!

read more | digg story

Bad News!

Just got an email from our namesake, Jamie Flam!

Jason,

I am flattered that you’ve attached my name to your valleyjew blog, but I’d appreciate it if you could remove it this week.

Hope all is going well in the Bay.

Thanks!

jamie

I have to respect his wishes. Thus from now on, my blog will be know as Jamie Flam Jr.'s ValleyJew.com.

My response back:

Done and done!

Chevy Chase Rediscovers "Funny" for his Tribute to Gerald Ford

In his best performance since the original Fletch, Chase writes in the NY Times, "I’ve often thought how odd it was that we became linked together... Mr. Ford had never been helped for any problems with 'self-medication' in a facility...he had never been castigated by the press for such atrocities as 'Oh! Heavenly Dog' or 'Cops and Robbersons.'"

read more | digg story

Time for a Surge... In New Orleans

Fourteen people have been murdered in the "Big Easy" since Christmas. Let's start spending our resources on a peacekeeping mission in the homeland that actually has a chance of working.

read more | digg story

BREAKING: Iran Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei Reported Dead

I have no prediction or understanding of what this means politically, but reliable sources say that the Ayatollah who has ruled since the death of Ayatollah Khomeini in 1989 is either dead or damn close.

read more | digg story

The Public Supports the Democratic Agenda

Bush is calling for bipartisanship, which is basically his code for ignoring the results of the last election. The Democrats need to act in the interest of the people who elected them. Polls show that wide majorities supporting raising the minimum wage, lowering interest on student loans and ending the occupation of Iraq.

read more | digg story

I'm Going to Nominate Supernanny for the Nobel Peace Prize

Every week Joe transforms another terrible family of primates into a functioning group of humans.

After she's completed her work in America family by family, she needs to go to Israel, then Kashmir and, for her grand finale, to Crawford, Texas to knock some sense into those Bush twins.

Bush About to Announce an Escalation in the Iraq War, the BBC Reports

The President plans to send more troops to establish security rather than training Iraqi forces. A senior administration source told the BBC that a speech about the new Iraq policy is likely to come in this week. Its central theme will be sacrifice. Of course, the definition of sacrifice for this adminstration inlcudes tax cuts for the rich.

read more | digg story

Are 25% of All Americans Completely Insane?

In an AP and AOL poll, 25% of all the respondents predicted that Jesus will return to earth in 2007. What some call "faith" others may call "crazy." I guess people have been the same amount of crazy for the last 2006 years, but it makes you wonder if people will ever get over the need to believe in an unbelievably happy ending.

read more | digg story

An Online Memorial: The Americans Lost in Iraq

How many more have to die?

read more | digg story

Battelle's Search Predictions for 2007

The SearchMaster lays out the year that will be. Interesting predictions about Google's integration with YouTube, Yahoo's prospects and the lack-there-of for AOL.

read more | digg story