Thursday, June 28, 2007

you know they say black is slimming

you know what else is slimming
not eating so much, you filthy little pig
at least that's what my mommy
told me

Do You Like Hippies?

I got into joke writing and creative writing at the same time.

My mom sent me to a hippie arts camp and this guy with a beard who made us call him "Rainwater" told me to write what I knew.

So I wrote, You smell like ass hair.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Letter I'd Write to John Lennon if I Found Out He Was My Dad


Normally, it would seem strange to address another man by the title "Dad."

But finding out you're my dad is the biggest fucking relief in the history of reliefs.

The Jew

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Can "Live Free or Die Hard" be any good if John Mclain doesn't cuss?

All you need is one good "Yippie Ky-Aye, Mutherfucker!"

read more | digg story

Monday, June 25, 2007

The Truth Behind LOL

Warning: This post contains a life spoiler.

Most people credit my cousin Doug for inventing the phrase LOL.

It was 1987. He had just had four wisdom teeth removed. His idiot friends didn't care and still insisted on giving him a "hot foot" as he watched the Angles play the Red Sox in the AL Championship in the bleachers of the Big A. The "hot foot" burned for entirely too long because of the powerful pain medication Doug was on. His friends watched in shocked disbelief as the flame soon threatened Doug's sock. Doug only saved his own foot from harm by dumping his entire soda and then his nachos on his foot.

But Doug still had his sense of humor. He could barely talk, so he was silent until his pals dropped him off that night. As he got out of the car, he said, "L. O. L. Muthefugahers."

His friends laughed about that until early 1989.

And forevermore LOL became the code, in their little group, for something so funny that had to be laughed at. And soon that code spread all the way to the Philippines where some little girl is text messaging her friend LOL right now.

How did it spread?

Well, my cousins' friends were very influential people. There was Ray, one of the first chat room perverts. Ted, who went on to work for Cisco and invented the ":;" thing people love. And Guy who immediately began using LOL on bulletin boards where he would go to discuss chess, computers and other gay things.

So. What does it really stand for?

Like most of you, for most of my life I assumed that when Doug said, "L. O. L..." that day he meant "Laugh Out Loud."

But no!

Just the other day I was playing hackysack with Doug. I shanked the sack forcing him to dive for it. And as he did, he passed some gas.

Instantly, I said, "FOL."

He's like, "What does that mean, dog?" as he got up, wiping the dirt and lawn off himself

"You know," I said.

"Fuck you, dog. I have no idea about what you speak of."

It was like watching Shawn Fanning buying a CD. I was fucking confused, so I said, "Fart out loud!"

"That's not how it goes, diggity bro," he said.

"Yes, it is!" I said.

"Nah, dog. It's Laughing Outrageously Loud. I was accusing those fool of laughing outrageously and shit. Unnecessarily. I used that shit ironically, y'all."

So, that's the truth. When you say LOL, be well aware that you are really accusing someone else of laughing outrageously loud.

So, please be realize how outrageous it is to say LOL. OK? LOL.

Don't believe me? Several of Doug's pals are still in Usenet groups. You can find them.

Just pretend you're a girl and you love guys from Anaheim.

Friday, June 22, 2007

When Did it Become Socially Acceptable to Pee in Public?

Apparently in San Francisco, public urination is just another sign that summer is here.

read more | digg story

I’ve been having those Red Dawn dreams again

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Does Chewbacca Get Horny?

I Wrote a Story About Chewbacca Trying to Get Laid; I Recorded Myself Reading It; Then My Friend, a Musical Genius, Made Some Music To Accompany It. I Think It’s Pretty Good. Please Check It Out.

read more | digg story

Saturday, June 16, 2007

How Much More Sensitive Can This Thing Be!

One of the shocking Sex and the City-type topics of conversations people in their thirties seem to love is "circumcision."

Would you circumcise your son? is a question I am often asked though I was voted "Least Likely to Reproduce" by my Hebrew School Class.

I don't think I would.

I think I'm against genital mutilation no matter what any myth says.Now a new study shows that circumcision removes a penis' most sensitive parts.This makes forces to rethink my theoretical conviction. I don't think I would want my penis to be any more sensitive. How would that help me? I'd cum faster. I'd be more obsessed with it. Any injury, knock on wood, would hurt more!My son doesn't need anymore temptation. By the time he's ten, there will be porn holograms and shit. I don't want him to be any more distracted.

However, I am thinking my theoretical conviction on Steroids. You always hear that one of the negative side-effects of Steroids is testicular shrinkage. Negative side-effect? Balls respond the same way to gravity that breasts do. Hence I've considered wearing a ball bra. But seriously, big muscles and small balls? Where's the downside?

read more | digg story

Friday, June 15, 2007

Are We All As Bad as the Guys in Judd Apatow's Knocked Up?

I hope not.

read more | digg story

Thursday, June 14, 2007

How Can We Make Kids Think Smart is Cool?

Now that Paris Hilton is jailed forever and Nicole Ritchie is either pregnant or eating entire bowls of cereal in one sitting, it's time we teach the young women of the world what cool really is. Now we can sway any female who has been fooled into thinking that either getting a spray-on tan or dating a man with a spray-on tan is acceptable behavior.

Now is the time to say to the young women of the world: one day you will look at list of the greatest books ever and say, "I'm a fucking idiot who can't be alone. I've wasted my life and my money on hair extensions."

And, as Wittgenstien, my podiatrist, suggested, if you can get the attractive women to go, the men follow.

So let's use Obama's sexiness to bring young women into the political process. And while I prefer Hillary in 08, I definitely see Obama as our key to involving PYTs in a public conversation that matters.

Hence the "Crush on Obama" video with its early-90s-Keenan-Ivory Wayans-film-vehiclesque vibe is our best hope for young women to see who is really bringing the sexy, so to speak, back.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

If Neurotics Did Radio Ads for Blogs

At no time is my conscience more activated than when I'm unemployed. My job becomes to realize I'm a bad person. Not only am I certain I am not contributing to my financial well being, I'm sure that my not working also emits carbon-heavy bad vibes which lead directly to the mistreatment of minority children and their pets.

As a result of all this self-flagellation, I am inspired to do the only thing I really can.

I want to know every terrible thing that is going on in Iraq. That's why I read Iraq Slogger.

I Accuse Anakin Skywalker of Genocide

They say a child smells death, but I say children know nothing but hope. How could they know anything else? They haven’t learned.

read more | digg story

Friday, June 08, 2007

The Meaning Behind the Joy About Paris Going Back to Jail

The strangest thing about Paris Hilton being sent back to jail is how right it is.

A friend of mine, who is rarely happy about any event in the world of pop, said, "The world just self-corrected."

I'd argue that if Karl Rove also spent this Friday morning in a courtroom crying for his mom, the world might be perfect right now.

What is especially strange about how right Paris being sent back to jail for 45 days is that for a while I'd been convinced there was no such thing as Karma. In the reality-created world of the last six years, I've often felt like our lives had been taken over by a Joe Millionaire/ Vince-McMahon/ WWE-type logic where motivations are so clearly obvious that the only goal of the whole shitty endeavor was to keep idiots tuning in.

I don't know if Paris' incarceration restores my faith in justice or anything larger then a shared animosity toward a blond who has her own secret language to make fun of people who are poorer than her. Perhaps, this is just like the movie Carrie but we plebes are getting revenge on the Prom Queen.

Or perhaps this is a sign that people are tired of making excuses for the over privileged just because we'd like to be over privileged one day ourselves. Perhaps we will now value some sort of accountability for ourselves and others. Or maybe we'll just find some other villain to cheer into success. Whatever happens, I think 45 days in prison will do Paris well.

I'm working on a list a books she should read to help her understand why her mommy can't always save her.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

The Far-Fetched Theory About San Antonio

I've never been there, but I hear the people eat onions like apples there.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

As The Fish Say

Give a man a fish, he'll eat your brother.

Teach a man to fish, it's a fucking genocide.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Plunge in CD Sales Shakes Up Big Labels

How the extinction of the CD will change music in the near future.

read more | digg story

There Was A Lake

And nobody knew it was special until one Tuesday an accountant fell off a fishing boat and lost his glasses. He was on vacation so he couldn't get his glasses replaced for a week. When he went to the eye doctor, the doctor told him, "You can see fine widoutem." He meant "with out them," but they lived somewhere near an accent.

CNN Breaking News picked up the story and eventually lots of accountants went to the same lake and dunked their head in the water and let their glasses float off. And their vision all got better too.

Eventually scientists figured out that the vision correction had one side effect: It shrunk a man's balls down to the size of cashews. After that news got on CNN Breaking News, the lake was soon overflowing with eye glasses.

Chewbacca Sex Fantasy

Chewbacca was a lonely Wookiee. The defeat of the Empire and the marriage of Han Solo to Princess Leia, two of the happiest moments of his life had then propelled him down a path of isolation and dismay.

read more | digg story

Monday, June 04, 2007

Top 5 Deities Who Want to Send You to Hell

1. Jesus
He's not taking this whole Falwell thing well.

2. God
He's sick of everyone fighting over Jerusalem. How would you feel if three different enraged fundamentalist groups were all up in your Holy of Hollies?

3. Zeus
Quit ignoring me, Bitches! Signed, The King of Gods.

4. Donald Trump
"You're Damned!"

5. Tuberculous
That's some real Hell.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Live Blogging the Democratic Presidential Debate

4:01 Wolf Blitzer's Beard Looks Sharp.
He kisses the asses of the New Hampshire voters so our future president doesn't have.

4:04 Short Introductions

Gravel seems a bit crazy. Edwards and Clinton simple. Kucinich looks like a CGI character.

4:05 First Question-- Obama
No props to Bush Administration for busting the JFK terror plot. Very stop/start delivery. Wolf forces Obama to find a good thing about the Bush anti-terror effort. He says they do a nice job fighting the financial networks.

4:06 Respond to "War on Terror" Bumper Sticker Comment, Mr. Edwards
Defends his comments and connects it to everything from Abu Graif to Guantanamo and Paris Hilton.

4:07 Wolf Asks Kucinich if He is Tough Enough
The little guy quotes Ben Franklin and wants us to "reconnect to our deeper sense of self".

4:09 Mr. Biden, Why Did Senators Clinton, Dodd and Obama Vote to Not Fund the War?
Says it's about "the truth". Bush hasn't been telling the truth. He is. Goes on to tell a bunch of statistics about votes and Senate stuff. Finishes with "Some things are worth losing elections over."

4:11 Are You Playing Politics With Your War Vote, Mrs. Clinton?
It was time to say "enough is enough". The best way to support the troops to bring them home. Attacks all the Republicans as "for the President's war."

4:12 And You, Mr. Obama?
"Everyone supports the troops." Mentions Bush's Korea analogy without saying if he agrees or disagrees with a lingering presence.

4:13 How Are You Any Different than Your Colleagues, Mr. Edwards?
I was consistently against this vote. Senator Clinton and Senator Obama did not show "leadership".

4:14 Obama Defends Himself
Calls Edwards four and half years late on being against the war. SLAM.

4:15 Hilary Defends
This is George Bush's War. "We are trying to end the war." She has a three-step plan. Again, she clarifies the differences are slight between Democrats while there is a huge difference with the Republicans.

4:17 Dodd Thanks Edwards for His Compliment
So Senatorial! He goes on to make a speech perfect for for CSPAN 7 or Old Grumpy Men 4.

4:18 Richardson Talks
Sounds calm. Calls Iraq War a Civil War. Gives his de-authorization plan. NO RESIDUAL FORCES.

4:19 Wolf Pulls Out the Genocide Card!

4:19 Richards Takes an Anti-Genocide Stand!
The crowd gasps! "Our soldiers have become targets!"

4:20 Gravel Drops the Hammer
This is George Bush's War AND the Democrats War. Compares the Iraq Genocide Card to the Domino Theory Card.

4:21 Mr. Kucinich, Did We Fight For Nothing?
There's a teachable moment here, The Democrats won to end the war. No more money for war. War is Over if the Democrats want it!

4:22 Biden Sticks to His "Truth" Theme.
He'll tell you the truth AGAIN. We (Democrats) need 67 votes in the Senate to end this war. We don't have them! The only one who has emboldened the enemy: George W. Bush!

4:23 Mrs. Clinton, Please Apologize for Supporting the War and Not Reading the National Intelligence Estimate.
"I was thoroughly briefed." She talked to EVERYONE (her husband) about it. "What I didn't count on..." was that Bush would not let the inspectors do their job. Our troops did the job. The Iraqis have failed not us!

4:24 Mr. Edwards, You?
I knew enough, he says. And now I know I was wrong. Mr. Obama was right. Slight applause.

4:25 Mr. Obama, Does Voting for the War Disqualify Someone from Being President?
Nah, dog. But I saw through Bush from the beginning. We cannot throw our troops at a Civil War. We need to get back to Afghanistan.

Five Ways to Immediately Change Your Life

1. Pick a new name and don't tell anyone.
Whenever anyone calls you by your "old" name just give a long-suffering shake of your head.

2. Hire a day laborer to be your executive assistant.
Everyone needs a "Yes Man" now and then. Especially one that's handy with a shovel. Cost $50 a day.

3. Tickle a stranger.
It's legal if you ask.

4. Release a sex tape.
Out of your vagina or anus if you can.

5. Pretend you don't know how to read.
Whenever reading becomes an issue, start crying and defer to your executive assistant.